Blogs are time sensitive and my website and all its pages were down for two whole days. I didn't know it until after I had written and tried to publish my post for July 10th, ironically about showing up as we are.

Technology, some glitch in the matrix that changed the namerservers, the DNS record, things I don't really understand but make this whole darn web run caused the issue. It took multiple attempts to solve it, helpdesk, chat support bots, watching and waiting for the DNS servers to update. When I woke this morning it was back up, as if nothing had shifted.

But I had shifted. When I wrote Wednesday morning I was feeling pretty raw and rough. So when the site went down and I knew I wouldn't have the time to troubleshoot it until hours later after client sessions I had to surrender. Nothing I could do but wait.

That would be the lesson, with each support email and log in and rebooting and refreshing, I had to just wait. So instead of worrying and fretting about it...

Here's the thing. When it comes to OCD and anxiety, one has to learn how to get more comfortable with uncertainty. 

I can dig this cerebrally. Like I get that nothing is truly certain, that there are no guarantees. That I'm not going to ever be completely protected from germs that could make me sick or that I'm not ever going to know with 100% accuracy that the bridge I'm driving on isn't going to suddenly bust. But getting that to really land in my bones is much more difficult.

I do have some safety net of assurance if I look at statistics, evidence to the contrary, and have really good hand hygiene, etc, but absolutely nothing is ever certain (except uncertainty, maybe).

So the work of living a full and beautiful life (maybe even regardless of an OCD diagnosis) is to become better at surrender, at weighing the options that will lead to more joy, connectedness, and success on your terms.

It becomes the work of noticing, breathing into and out of surrender, of choosing in each...

Yesterday I got seriously stuck in an OCD loop. It's something that rarely happens, but the combined energy of roaring PMS, a brief argument with my partner, and maybe some planet in retrograde made it so that I had to keep assuring myself that the dishes I had just put away were in fact clean.

I was preparing my breakfast and had taken a bowl down from the cabinet and filled it with a half a cup of dry oats. Then the intrusive question came: Did I actually run the dishwasher last night?

The doubt settles in. I go back in my mind and retrace my steps. I see myself putting the soap in, pressing start, turning the clean/dirty magnet on its side--the cue to anyone in the house that the dishwasher is running and not to open it. 

When I came into the kitchen this morning the magnet had been on its side, but the "clean" light was off. Someone had opened it before I put the dishes away. Because I didn't see the light on with my own eyes, it triggered more doubt.

I am...