Caught in a Loop

Yesterday I got seriously stuck in an OCD loop. It's something that rarely happens, but the combined energy of roaring PMS, a brief argument with my partner, and maybe some planet in retrograde made it so that I had to keep assuring myself that the dishes I had just put away were in fact clean.

I was preparing my breakfast and had taken a bowl down from the cabinet and filled it with a half a cup of dry oats. Then the intrusive question came: Did I actually run the dishwasher last night?

The doubt settles in. I go back in my mind and retrace my steps. I see myself putting the soap in, pressing start, turning the clean/dirty magnet on its side--the cue to anyone in the house that the dishwasher is running and not to open it. 

When I came into the kitchen this morning the magnet had been on its side, but the "clean" light was off. Someone had opened it before I put the dishes away. Because I didn't see the light on with my own eyes, it triggered more doubt.

I am compelled to scan for more evidence:

• the Tupperware lid that collects water in the dishwasher was wet, drying now on the rack in the sink. 
• I pull out a plate from the cabinet, it's looks clean, no food residue (but the dog could have licked it clean before I put it in the dishwasher)
• I open the drawer, pull out a handful of spoons and inspect them. Noticing water spots, assuring myself that's all they are

I look back at the bowl with oats on the counter. I'm frozen there wondering if it's clean. If it's clean enough. If I can put the water in it and cook the oatmeal. If I can eat it. Am I sure it's clean? I have the evidence that it is, but I can't be certain. 

I want to ask my child if they opened the dishwasher last night after I went to bed. But they are still sleeping and my OCD loop isn't a reason to wake them. At least this I am certain of.

I run through the evidence again. Remind myself of the water, the clean plate, the magnet, check the spoons.

Stand still. Question. Uncertainty. 

I go through the evidence again: the Tupperware, the plate, the spoons.

It's not working. I need assurance from someone outside myself, my brain can't be trusted. 

I consider putting everything back into the dishwasher that I just put away and running it (again). But my wise mind knows that's not necessary or helpful.

Exasperated, I break down and yell out, to no one in particular: "I have ALL the evidence."

My partner looks up from the other room. He doesn't know I've been caught in this loop for the last 5-10 minutes.

"I have all the evidence that the dishes are clean, and yet I'm not certain I ran the dishwasher," I say.

He's very patient, even if annoyed. "They were clean, you saw the water on top and the magnet was turned," he assures me.

Despite his reassurance, I'm too stuck this time. I burst into tears, the pressure overwhelming. I put the measuring cup down and walk outside to the porch. 

Sometimes you just have to walk away. The cycle can only be broken if we move outside of it, and a change in environment often helps. More tears flow and I surrender to the choice I'm now making to avoid eating the oatmeal. It's not the choice my therapist would be proud of, but I'm giving myself compassion today. 

I wipe my tears and go back inside to eat a banana. My favorite safe food--always individually wrapped and I'm able to consume it without my fingertips touching anything but the peel.

I would come back to the kitchen later in the day and use the dishes without issue. Separated in time and space from that loop, from those uncertainties, from the compulsion to check and recheck the evidence it became easy again to be in the kitchen. 

And that's how it goes sometimes. You win some, you lose some. 

The reality is, I can never be certain of anything, cleanliness being among them. Being brave every day is often about trusting what you can not know for certain. It's a practice in surrender, in giving power to the wise parts of ourselves, rather than the loud chaotic cycles that can often take over. 

Years ago, a loop like that would have set me off for days, not because of the loop itself, but because of the shame and guilt I'd carry for having had experienced it. We need to put our efforts towards releasing the shit we pile on top of our challenging experiences. It's unnecessary and not helpful.

Instead, we can cover ourselves in compassion, in acceptance, in love even, and that will allow the energy to move and the moment to pass so that we can show up more fully present in our lives, feel more connected to others, and be able to keep going, every day.