Pavlov's Strawberry

My therapist and I talked today about the OCD loop from last week. He had some new ideas about what I could try moving forward, if I was willing. Over the last two years, I've done some seriously good work to overcome many things that give rise to panic and anxiety, but I've not been willing to work on the food stuff. It is truly the biggest challenge for me, and I have to confront it regularly.

I have a running list in my head of the foods I won't or can't eat. (Having real food sensitivities compounds the issue) so it's often easier to list the things I will eat. I'll spare you the time and details for now, but let's just say that nearly everything I eat is pretty boring. Especially when one is eating the same thing for days...

We went back to the basics of psychology. Remember Pavlov's dog? Well, humans aren't much different. We are conditioned to respond to triggers, cues, and environments based on what has been paired up in our brains. How many of you hear a cell phone ring or buzz and immediately check your pockets even if you know it's not yours? How many of you get excited when you hear the anthem of your favorite team play on the radio, even if you're not about to watch a game?

Our behaviors and habits are created by classical conditioning, the neural pathways in our brains connect the dots and our bodies react before our minds even have time to notice. This is why forming new habits is so hard, and we have to be intentional and micro about it. We are rewiring our brains to respond differently to the alarm clock, to put on the gym clothes when we have no motivation, to get in the car and drive to the coffee shop and meet a friend, despite the anxiety that beats in your chest because of a fender bender years ago.

So my therapist says to me today: "we've not been working on much for awhile, what if we started with one food and we tap into Pavlov's accidental genius" 

"One food?" my mind already racing.

"Yeah, what's something you've kinda been wanting to eat but haven't--and it has to be something that tastes good, cause we need that natural dopamine kick." 

I think a minute longer and choose a strawberry. Fresh fruits and vegetables that don't have natural coverings like a banana or avocado are harder for me to consume. So much can be collected on them, fears of e. coli or salmonella lurking, washing that doesn't feel complete enough. But strawberries are so yummy. When in season, like they are now, their bright red color calls to me. The sweetness better than any piece of candy out there. 

He tells me to print out some pictures of strawberries, a quick google search and copy/paste into a document lands me with 5 printed pictures that I cut out and place in various places in my house.

"We want them in places where you will see them often." The kitchen, my office, the porch... even one is now hanging on my bathroom mirror. 

And so the conditioning begins. These luscious strawberries offering reminders of a food I love, my mouth watering now as I type this. The goal is to get to a point where the Reward outweighs the Risk, so the part of me that resists will become more willing. 

In addition, it's working on the reconditioning: with each strawberry I rinse and eat I am gathering more and more evidence that not only are they delicious and healthy, but they are also safe to eat . The more I am pairing the new, good experience the more it will override the automatic thought that I can't eat strawberries because of the catastrophic thought that there might be something icky on it that will make me sick.

So this is what is next, the micro-moments and steps to get to the larger goal of allowing more healthy foods into my body. At the end of my session, I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge. I had strawberries. I rinsed one off, dried it (scrubbed it really) with a paper towel, and then rinsed it one more time for good measure. 

And then I ate it.

And it was good. 

Sometimes you win.