Dear Procrastination... We're Breaking Up

Dear Procrastination:

I know we have been together for a long, long time. I remember vividly the first time we had a big fight. I was in 5th grade, and I had this glorious vision of the art project that I wanted to proudly display in the storefront window of our community's then lone mall. It was going to be pretty special for our class to get to do that. I wanted to create a real work of art, full of color and fabric, a design I could see so clearly in my mind's eye. But every time we were supposed to work on it, you'd show up and tell me stories, get me to talk to my friends, even line up the markers by rainbow color over and over... and then the bell would ring and I'd have nothing done.

Weeks went by like this, and on the last work day I stared at a blank canvas, a poster cut into the shape of a head and legless mannequin that I had nothing to dress it with but a few random pieces of string, and markers that I drew haphazard lines with in different colors. When it came time to turn it in to my teacher, who was kind but very obviously disappointed, I burst into tears.  It was your fault my art project sucked, and now I was going to be the laughing stock of the town. I didn't put my name on it. I was so embarrassed.

It would go on like this for decades. Sometimes I'd be able to quell you with snacks, and in the 90s cigarettes, that would help me get started on whatever you were pulling me away from: essays, laundry, bill paying. And as I got older and had deadlines and kids to keep me accountable, our time together lessened. I didn't miss you when you were gone, bothering whomever else you could, Procrastination. I knew you'd come back when I was avoiding lesson plans or sending out meeting notes, or setting up dentist appointments. 

What I started to notice though, was that you really showed up when I was working toward the big dreams. As I cultivated new ways to create freedom for myself, you'd loom large -- leaning over my shoulder as I created the next steps of the business plan or trying to write the first chapters of my book. You'd hover there, pointing at all the other things that just HAD to be done first: making lists, washing dishes, tidying up the space. 

You even got into cahoots with Overwhelm and Confusion. I don't know how much you paid them to dance around me at pivotal moments on the path, Procrastination, but it must have been a pretty penny because they did a really, really good job keeping me from growing and creating the life I love living now. 

So, I just wanted to let you know, procrastination that I see you. And honestly, I know it comes from a place of protection. It's scary to put myself out there on display: to be visible in our craft, to have a message to share with the world, to show up authentically as ourselves. You're trying to protect me from the naysayers, from the judgements, and I appreciate that, truly I do.

But I've got it, Procrastination. You've helped me become stronger. I mean the fact that I can write so swiftly and complete complex projects in very little time is definitely a skill we've honed together. 

But I don't need to work that way anymore. I want to feel more ease and less pressure, I want to create with all the time in the world, I want to show up and commit to doing the things I say I'm going to do (and learn how to say no to the things I truly don't have the capacity to do). 

So thank you, Procrastination. Thank you for the gifts, the memories, and go get some much needed rest. We're done here. 

Love,
Renee