Dance Away the Fears

On Friday night, I participated in my first dance recital in more that fifteen years. I would perform on occasion when my kids were little, and even sang in a band for years. Performing, while always a little nerve-wracking, was more exciting and fun to me until the anxiety weighed more in recent years.

So getting back on that stage, with its bright lights and an amazing group of women who were also willing and able to tap their hearts out was an amazing feat. I knew the steps, had practiced enough, and was ready.

What I hadn't anticipated was the surge of adrenaline and panic making it so I couldn't really move my legs that well. In the 2 minutes we were on stage I smiled, I turned when the group turned, I went in and out of my lines appropriately, but my feet did not really do the steps. The taps did not make the sounds I'd practiced, and my mind felt blank. 

The song ended and I came off the stage a little bit in shock and wanting to cry. But I did it, and focused on what I'd managed to do and how nobody, except my daughter who was filming me from the side stage, and my son, who was our tap teacher cheering from the sidelines, would have noticed in this big group of talented, brave women. 

The next day was going to be different, though. I was in a second dance, a Musical Theatre number that my daughter choreographed for us that was sure to be a crowd favorite. But this time, there were only 5 of us, not 25 so there would be no hiding if my legs turned to brick and I knew I'd need something to quell the physiological responses of fear and be able to move.

I take lorazepam when I fly. A small dose to take the edge off and allow me to get where I want to go even when afraid. I decided that this was an appropriate secondary use for it. The milligrams so small, I barely notice. But I took a pill before the show and yes, I still shook, but I could move my legs and my mind was quieter in the before and after, relieving the triggering cycles that get my stuck in shame or sadness about my abilities. 

The number was a crowd favorite, and I was so excited that my little group brought some joy to the audience declaring that we were, indeed, "Kenough".

On the final day of recital, we were scheduled to do our tap number again. With the combined powers of being acclimated to the stage, a tiny pill to quell the nerves, and the determination to hit the sounds with my tap shoes I not only smiled and turned, but I danced the whole dance! A little shakey but feeling good. And in minutes it was all over.

A year of learning and a few minutes to showcase it for the community to see. What a wild ride this weekend was. I'm so grateful and ready for more.