A New Perspective - excerpt from Every Day, I'm Brave

I continued Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy work with Dr. T for a number of years. One day, as we mulled over the latest panic episode I’d had at school, which included a full tachycardia episode in which I needed to put my face on ice in order to bring my heart back to a normal rhythm, he asked me:

“How do you know you can handle panic feelings?”

“Because I do all the time,” I scoffed. Thinking I was just being a smartass. But this wise man sat quietly in front of me for a moment longer so that what I had just said echoed in my mind.

“Huh,” I nodded. “That’s it, isn’t it? I know I can handle feelings of panic, because I survive them ALL the time!”

He smiled, that twinkle in his eye beaming with pride.

“Huh.” I breathed again while he turned back to his desk, pen in hand, and scribbled the words I’d said on the bottom of his legal pad. He tore it off and handed it to me. I read it aloud, “I can handle panic feelings because I do all the time.”

This flip in perspective from “I panic all the time, therefore I’m out of control and I never know when it’s gonna hit” to "I can handle feelings of panic because I do all the time," suddenly became a source of strength. This was a new knowing, an assurance that I can and will and do handle the feelings of panic that creep up often because I’ve proven, over and over again to myself that it’s true.

Is panic fun? No.

Can I survive them? Yes.

This new idea gave me strength, courage, and lessened the added pressure, fear, and shame that can come with panic disorder. It allowed me to lean further into the idea that panic symptoms will ease and change, and that I’m strong enough to handle them.

I took that little piece of paper home with me and attached it to a photo clip that sat empty on the book shelf in my bedroom. To this day it remains in that clip, now proudly displayed in my office and revisited in times when I need to remember my inner strength.

-Excerpt from Renee's upcoming memoir, Every Day, I'm Brave